So this week I decided to be something of a shower (room) singer.

I have named my handsome singing buddy Mike. I’m sure some of you recognise him.

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Are you sitting comfortably? Prepare yourself… for the first EVER self-lubricating vibrator!

Gone are the days where you scramble through your bedside drawer searching for your half empty bottle of lube as you try and get 10 minutes of quality alone time…

We’ve all been there where you’ve lubed your vibrator up thrown it on the duvet in the throes of passion (or time restriction…) and ended up with leaky lube all over the place! But not any more – the clever little folks at Cascade have now developed a solution to lube mayhem – hurrah!!

A real revolution in sex toy technology – Cascade’s new range of luxury vibrators contain an internal bottle of lube which releases just the right amount of lube at the touch of a button. All the vibes are mains charged and come in three playful styles to suit different needs.

Whether you prefer the classic smooth Cascade Flow, ridged bumpy Cascade Wave or curved Cascade Ripple for G-spot stimulation – the Cascade collection have all angles covered (yes pun intended!!)

All the vibes have nine vibration settings and are made with a silky soft satin smooth silicone which works perfectly with the internal lube. The Cascade Ripple is perfect for external stimulation as well as the G-spot and like the entire range comes in a variety of colours ( I recommend the neon green hehe).

The Flow is a nice and simple vibe for those who enjoy their vibrators of the more ‘realistic’ nature. Plus, they all have a good simple click-function handle so you can control the speed and intensity of the vibrations to tailor your needs!

Last but by no means least the aptly named Wave is ideal for external stimulation. The wavy soft exterior is perfect for slip and slide techniques and has a powerful motor housed in the tip for added sensation.

Check out this handy little video for a demo of just how the Cascade range works:

The entire Cascade range is exclusively at Honour from just £74.99! Choose your style and colour and ensure that you have messy bedsheets for all the ‘right’ reasons…

by Danielle at Honour

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First posted at http://blogs.honour.co.uk/2013/05/the-worlds-first-self-lubricating-sex-toy/

PS from Cara Sutra:

I was wondering how these self lubricating vibrators would work, what the inner area was like. Now I have watched the above little video I am less confused but more intrigued about how they would actually feel. I wonder if the vibrations are very powerful, or if they are a little weak like so many vibrators out there.

I love the PowerBullet technology from Leaf and Swan – the same that’s in the Palm Power magic wand – but it’s a rare occurrence that I find any vibrations anywhere near strong enough to ‘get me off’.

Perhaps I will review a Cascade vibrator in the near future! I will keep you updated.

Cara Sutra xxx

Are you ready for summer? Do you have a beach body that you’ll be proud to display in a bikini or skimpy swimsuit?

No, me neither. BUT (and it’s a big butt that cannot lie) Durex have come up with a stimulating and fun alternative to going down the gym every night of the week. Just hop into bed and do some Sexercise!

Did you know that sexual activities can burn calories and also tone up your body at the same time? It’s not like you needed any further reason to want to get down and dirty with your lover, I know. Getting a fit and trim body through Sexercise is just a bonus!

As well as toning you up making you fitter, more confident and happier with your body, engaging in a sexual practice daily keeps your relationship magic alive and helps keep things intimate between you and your partner. Win-win. It’s a complete no-brainer and I have even done a little research into how many calories various sexual activities burn. It will of course depend on your personal weight and how vigorously you do these activities, but it’s a great guideline to start.

Sexual Activity Calorie Burning Chart

Undressing yourself (or each other, preferably): 8-10 calories

Kissing, smooching and snogging: 68 calories an hour

Erotic massage: 80-100 calories an hour

Actually having sex: 150 calories every half hour. That’s 300 if you keep it up (heh heh) for an hour!

Oral sex, blow jobs, cunnilingus: 100 calories every half hour

Manual stimulation and using your hands: 100 calories an hour

Rampant fondling, groping and frottage: 238 calories every half hour

Romantic dancing: 103 calories every half hour

So there you have it, your new exercise regime so you’ll be ready for summer – sorry, Sexercise regime!

Hmm something’s missing. You need a bundle of buzzies and lube to help! Well it just so happens that the lovely people at Durex have provided a fantastic free sex toys, condoms and sex lubricant bundle for one of my lucky readers to win. They even come with a free Sexercise poster to give you some fab positions to try out, your very own mini Kama Sutra that you can put on the bedroom wall and keep you both focussed.

What can you win?

Up for grabs is:

A Durex Sexercise poster – complete with a variety of sex positions to enjoy experimenting with
Durex 2 in 1 Massage Gel and Lubricant with Aloe Vera 200ml
Durex Tingle Me condoms with minty lube x 12
Durex Tickle Me condoms with ribbing x 12
Durex Pleasure Me condoms with ribs and dots x12
Durex Thin Feel condoms for extra sensitivity x12
Durex Play Tingle tingling sex lubricant 50ml
Durex Play Warming sex lubricant 50ml
Durex Play Sweet Strawberry flavoured sex lubricant 50ml
Durex Play Pina Colada flavoured sex lubricant 50ml
Durex Play Passion Fruit flavoured sex lubricant 50ml
Durex Play Vibrations vibrating couples cock ring
Durex Play Pleasure Touch Vibrations finger tip vibrator
Durex Play Delight Vibrating Bullet vibrator
Durex Play Little Devil Vibrating Cock Ring

The total price of this bundle if bought separately would come to approximately £100 even without the poster and promotional goody bag. That’s an amazing £100 worth of sexy goodies you could win just by entering this competition!

How do you enter?

FIRST tweet the following:

I want to win £100 of free sex toys, condoms & lube from @TheCaraSutra & Durex here http://wp.me/p2ofcb-2rb

THEN comment on this forum post that you’ve entered so I know exactly who is in the running!

nb. If you’re not on Twitter just commenting on this forum post will suffice.

Who can enter & when does the competition end?

Competition ends Friday June 7th 9pm, winner selected Saturday 8th June.

Competition open internationally! Yes this is open to international readers, so whether you’re in the UK, USA, Australia or elsewhere, you can enter.

Good luck everyone – and get Sexercising!

Cara Sutra x

I have read and reviewed this myself in the past and know it is well worth dipping into, so make sure you download your free copy from the 20th.

You can discuss this and more free erotica and sexy books here at the Cara Sutra forum.

Your very own hormones go haywire
Partners in the US Kim and Dan established a guideline that they would always enjoy love-making at least once a week except if him or her had been sick. We’ve pretty much stuck to it,” says Kim. Kim changed when she turned 50, she realised their regular activity slowed to less frequent date nights ending in dissatisfaction. “I began having issues with dryness and we couldn’t extend to orgasm, and even though I’d do not had issues previously,” she states. “I was concerned I’d become useless below the waistline for the rest of my life.”

As estrogen declines in the change of life, there’s far less blood run to the vagina, an essential element of stimulation. Also, the muscle may come to be significantly less hydrated, that renders it much more challenging to get sexually revved up and may make love-making painful, sometimes excruciating. Similar problems usually occur after child-birth, specifically if you are breast-feeding; due to the fact your own estrogen is definitely suppressed. Disease remedies like chemo, radiotherapy, or operation can trigger difficulties, too. Whenever Jane, 34, went into premature menopause soon after a hysterectomy expected to uterine tumours, she started feeling “extreme dryness” and it got a dramatic influence on her drive. “My hubby and I went from enjoying sex four times a week to four times a month,” she says. “And whenever we did make love, it was terrible, my genitals felt on fire.”

If you’re having difficulties during sex, or vaginal dryness, get an evaluation from a physician. Hormone changes can result in vaginal dryness, but also so can other medications, things like antihistamines, antidepressants, and additionally the Pill, along with some surface conditions. Addressing underlying causes might choose care of the issue.

Other stuff that can help

Over-the-counter lubricants
These are creams you apply to the genital neighbourhood before sex. Oil and silicone based creams don’t well, since they do not dehydrate as swiftly as water based ones.

Moisturisers
Contrary to “in the moment” lubrication, you utilize these moisturisers every 2 or 3 days to offer daily moisturisation. If you’re getting a great deal of trouble with dryness, you need both.

Vaginal dilators
During menopause or even a years-long dry patch without love-making, the vaginal channel often decreases and ends up being less flexible. Having regular sex when menopausal expands the tissue that can aid. Yet if you observe tightness or grow to be sensitive and get the experience that your lover’s penis is thumping against inside your vagina, a physician whom treats sexual problems might suggest a “dilator”, a plastic apparatus that you place inside the vaginal area for a few moments daily to lightly pull the tissues. If you are getting a good deal of problems, doctors usually endorse that you begin with a little dilator and make use of it for a few seconds per day, progressively working your own method up to much bigger sizes and lengthier times.

Vibrators
If you are experiencing difficulties with sexual arousal levels or vibrators often helps because the provide lots of stimulation. Don’t blush! In a survey in 2009 approx 4,000 females, a lot more 50% stated they’d used a vibrator. Sex, way is a cost benefit issue. If it hurts too much, you begin to lose desire. Vibrators tend to be great since they render it much simpler to have pleasure.

— — —

Author Bio: Emily is a writer for Bed Time Heaven, home of adult romance aids and a wide range of glamorous lingerie. Customers agree they enjoy affordable quality matched with a personal and confidential service, from one of the leading adult sex toys and lingerie company in the UK.

Courtesy of Telegraph.co.uk

Just from reading the title of that now renowned book and trilogy, the majority of you will have experienced a strong reaction. Fifty Shades of Grey. Love it or hate it, sick of the media frenzy and mass public reviews or not, you have to admit one thing – this work of fiction by EL James has caused some changes in society attitudes towards kink.

No matter your personal opinion of Fifty Shades of Grey, this trilogy has achieved what no other kink themed book has done before. It has been accepted into the mainstream. I believe it has helped the majority of 50 Shades lovers who had been living their sex life through vanilla fulfilment only, to draw closer to kink and help them experiment with power exchange, if not the full range of BDSM potential. As is their choice, of course.

The main problem with Fifty Shades of Grey was that being a kink themed book, there was a crowd of those within the BDSM scene ready to descend upon it with all of the expectations of fans of such lascivious and alternative fetish literary works such as Story of O by Pauline Reage and the Sleeping Beauty trilogy by AN Rocquelaure (Anne Rice). Fifty Shades of Grey is by no means in the leagues of Anais Nin, Sacher-Masoch or the Marquis de Sade.

Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey

Being a psychological stimulus first and foremost, BDSM has a large erotica fan base, as words and imagination unite to create those first addictive and seductive feelings of either Dominance or submission. Many within the ‘scene’ were perhaps waiting for a new Venus in Furs and instead, read a more than mild love story with the addition of jiggle balls, a well bitten lip and some furry cuffs. Understandably, many were disappointed.

I didn’t mind reading Fifty Shades of Grey too much. I read it with an open mind (if not quite open thighs) and, repetitive adjectives, overly meek protagonist and inferior writing skills aside, I found it to be a nice love story. That’s it really. A love story with some designer shopping, a box of sex toys and enough house space for a sex room. Forget ‘red room of pain’, it’s a room for marital style sex with the addition of some light bondage and apparently, some rather nice jeans.

Ok, so the writing wasn’t that good, I will admit. The story could have been a lot better. There was no really mind blowing and raunchy alternative love embracing every nuance of Dominant and submissive possibility. But look at the effects that Fifty Shades of Grey has had.

Fifty Shades of Grey seems to be the first kink-friendly fiction to be truly accepted by the mainstream. That can only be a good thing, progress, no matter your opinion of the books. Something that makes the nation, the world as a whole, acknowledge that not only does kink/Fetish/BDSM exist but that it can be enjoyable, sexy and even healthy for consenting adults, is a huge step in the right direction, in my personal opinion. No longer is punishment spankings and bondage something that is seen to be done in the darkest realms of unhealthy relationships or in freak show clubs by perverts of the highest order. It can be enjoyed by a loving couple with things you already have in your own wardrobe. A tie or other binds, the addition of some sex lubricant you can pick up in Boots or Tesco as well as an open imagination.

Because Fifty Shades of Grey does not touch upon the advanced levels of power exchange and personal control which the more extreme layers of BDSM enjoys, it was light enough to be accepted and not immediately and outright rejected by the masses. This fact is why, in my opinion, many felt able to not only accept some kink may be healthy and enjoyable, but also wanted to replicate the sensations and scenes from the book too.

Just look at the new sex toy ranges that Fifty Shades of Grey has inspired, not only the official sex toys collection but also the US version by Pipedream’s Fetish Fantasy. An instant sell out across the sex toys industry board of jiggle balls (aka love balls or Ben Wa Balls) as well as a demand for soft, tie like bondage restraints for couples hoping to get a better sex life. More than just missionary in the dark on Friday nights, they want to experience the first tingles of kinky control and submission, just like Christian Grey and Ana Steele.

If Fifty Shades of Grey has encouraged the masses to get involved with any kind of control play and power exchange, Dominance and submission, then I can only see it as a good thing.

Throughout the years, vanilla has enjoyed being the precedent, seen as good and right, while BDSM and alternative forms of both stimulation and even love was forced underground, viewed as wrong, not talked about, an unnatural perversion. Vanilla and kink now at last can be seen on the same spectrum of adult consensual enjoyment, with many admitting to be located somewhere along the line.

Sexual Fetish Spectrum

I see the spectrum as something like this.

Utterly vanilla – bedroom bondage – kinky – fetishes – scening & roleplay – Lifestyle – Dungeon masters and extreme BDSM

Where are you?

Conclusion

Yes, you might hate Fifty Shades of Grey. I will admit you have every reason to, if you were hoping for a new Gorean line of Fetish, or bloodplay lusts and contractual ownership themes. What cannot be denied however, regardless of your personal opinion, is how much Fifty Shades of Grey has bridged the gap between vanilla and kink for the masses in the mainstream.

Fifty Shades of Grey is read in public, joked about on TV and now a part of pop culture with references in every area of media. I can only hope that this is the first step in what I believe to be the right direction, to a time when BDSM is fully accepted as a beautiful, if alternative style of adult relationship – and sometimes, even love.

This new bar game is played by up to 8 people and sets four of these rechargeable sex toys against each other in a bid to beat the rest over the finish line. They can reach 1.5 mph although onlookers heart rates may vary.

The vibrators – sorry, thrusting sex toys – propel themselves forwards on a piece of paper using the Fun Factory ‘new technology drive.’

Fun Factory CEO, Frederic Walme, had this to say about the races:

“It’s not the most cerebral game but at least it’s more complex than Keno, and it gets people really riled up.”

The next sex toy race will be held at the New York City Museum Of Sex, to raise money for an LGBT charity.

Pump up the power and place your bets – watch the free video below for a quick insight into these sexy and wacky races.

Read the Cara Sutra review of the Stronic Eins here. The review of the latest addition to the Stronic series, the Stronic Zwei, is coming soon.

The group based in the US, Catholics for Choice, have started this initiative to help stop the spread of HIV. About 1.6 million people from the total of 41.6 million living in Kenya have HIV at present, according to the UN. However, Roman Catholic Church leaders have said that this initiative was planting ‘negative attitudes’ which could destroy the nation’s  ’moral fibre’.

A recent television advert in Kenya advising married women to use condoms was also pulled from TV in Kenya after complaints from religious groups.

Catholics for Choice say their condom advert uses ‘an authentically Catholic message.

The advert reads: ”We believe in God. We believe that sex is sacred. We believe in caring for each other. We believe in using condoms,” with the slogan “Good Catholics Use Condoms”.

The main opposition comes from the chairman of the Kenya Conference of Catholic Bishops, Cardinal John Njue. He says the church promotes pro-life, not pro-choice.

Calling for the advertisements to be stopped, Cardinal Njue also said,

“Catholics for Choice are not Catholics in the sense of the one, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church.

Remember if the moral fibre of any nation is destroyed, then you have destroyed the nation as well.”

Catholics for Choice launched this campaign after pressure from religious groups forced the Kenyan government to drop an advert in March promoting condom use in marriage.

The campaign co-ordinator Jon O’Brien said in a statement last month:

“The campaign is vital because the bishops’ recent activities are not representative of Catholic teachings or beliefs. Catholics do support the use of condoms, and they do use them to protect themselves and their partners.”

The Kenyan bishops’ anti-condom opinions actually contradict the view of Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI who in 2010 stated:

“Where the intention is to reduce the risk of infection [condoms can be] a first step in a movement toward a different way, a more human way, of living sexuality.”

Pope Francis was elected as the head of the Catholic Church last month after Pope Benedict stepped down, when he said he was too frail to carry on in the job.

The new pope has not commented about the use of condoms since his elevation to the papacy.

The plain and simple truth, perhaps not so shockingly, is the lack of a man.

Obvious, right? Well there is a little more to it than that.

In my experience, now happily in the longest relationship with a girl that I’ve ever had, I like to think I have some authority in the subject. It will be 3 years this year. At least, I am able to tell you what it’s like for me. One of those things.

It takes a while to settle into a comfortable girl-girl relationship. It’s very exciting. Yes, it’s different to the norm, with the correct sense of ‘normality’ being what the majority do – not that being bisexual or gay is ‘abnormal’, you understand. With a man, I find it quite easy, generally. I’m the girl and as such there is, whether wrongly or rightly, certain privileges that come with that.

I’m not as polite to men. Another unsurprising fact. I find that with men, a lot can be put down to the ‘differences between the genders’, or the old ‘you just don’t understand cos you’re not a woman.’  That doesn’t wash at all when you’re both girls!

It’s taken a good while to get through the gentle and polite etiquette. Being a woman, I know how easy it is to get pissed off, hormonal, paranoid and upset. The emotions run rampant through us. So when you love another woman, you’re acutely aware of how easy it is to upset them as well, with a thoughtless turn of phrase, action or other. At times it feels like a minefield, until you have communicated enough and get through that initial ‘kid gloves’ zone.

There are even physical issues to contend with. I’m a girl, you’re a girl. How hard when hugging is too hard? Am I going to squish your boobs painfully? Am I hurting your hand holding it too hard? None of these things come into my head at all when with a man, as I just assume they’re strong enough to deal with it and if they need to move into a more comfortable position, oh well. Tough, deal with it. You’re the man, I’m the girl.

Upon reflection, I’m quite sexist. Maybe not everyone thinks like that. In a lesbian relationship, there’s no man to be the physically stronger one, to run down and put the bins out when you’ve forgotten and you’re tucked up warm in bed and you expect them to do it as ‘you’re the man and I’m the girl’. To defend you from other would-be man types or even just open jars and put up shelves. All very stereotypical but I bet you recognise at least some of it.

Even just the times in bed together, for the man to be the one massaging me, stroking me for ages as I enjoy the sensations with a guilt free conscience. I would never feel comfortable if my lady was spending hours of her time massaging me, I would feel selfish!

If out shopping with a man, I always at least hope for some chivalry and for them to offer to carry it all or at least half. I like having doors opened for me and to be shown to my seat first in a pub/cafe/restaurant. I like being asked for my order first. I will take some time out to go ‘powder my nose’ and make sure I don’t have my skirt tucked into my knickers and will ensure my face looks somewhat presentable by contorting my expression in the mirrors in the ladies, all comfortably in secret away from him.

With a girl? Totally different. I can’t expect her to carry all my shopping, we’re both girls. There seem to be no set rules of chivalry for the same gender, it’s all exactly (and scarily) fair and square and you’re on the same level. We go off to the loo together and chat, and if you have been stalking up the high street with your knickers on show, tough.

Shopping. There’s another one. With a man, easy. Go shopping, buy girly things, have him ‘um’ and ‘ah’ and wait for hours as you try things on and attempt but fail to get him excited about those must-have shiny heels. With a girl you both shop for girly things – but what if you both happen to like and want the same thing? Do you both buy it? Buy one and share it? Let them buy it and envy it from afar?

Do you have the same tastes or different ones? The minefield continues if they love something you really don’t like – do you say outright that you think it’s quite naff actually or just go along with ‘haha, yeah, that’s great,’ for the peace and quiet? In case you upset them?

After all of that – hormones. When living together, your periods synchronise. Which on some levels, is fantastic. You can time your tampon shopping so you always have a plentiful supply, then when the time is upon you, you can share a family size tub of ice cream and a kilo of Cadbury’s together in front of a girly weepy movie.

What’s not so good is the in sync PMT. If two women together at normal times are quite emotional and hormonal, then the week before a period it’s multiplied by ten. At least. The best thing to do is keep talking, even if in raised voices. Sometimes texting is for the best and, to be honest, safer. You don’t want to be around emotionally connected women, with in sync PMT, having a bad day. Trust me.

So finally we come down to the sex. Yeah, you’ve been looking forward to this bit, I know. Well the good thing about bad moods is that it often leads to make up sex, and with two women it’s really something else. Once again, there’s no man, so no penis. I’m talking about lesbian sex without the use of sex toys, Feeldoes and the like.  You do of course have some other very important areas to use to stimulate each other instead. Fingers, lips, tongue, teeth; but most important of all, your minds.

Lesbian sex comes down to penetration of the heart and soul – instead of merely the body. My fiancee has said on many occasions that someone has to get her ‘mentally’ first, before physically. I completely agree. It’s not just about hopping into bed together and rubbing up naked (sorry. That does happen too, though). For us anyway, there needs to be a carnal lust that occurs and which has developed in foreplay. Not just physical foreplay, but mental stimulation. Teasing and ideas and visuals and subtle suggestions, through the hours or even days before. Scenes talked about back and forth, tease and denial and hints of what’s to come.

There’s a lot that’s different about being with a girl. I know a great number of women out there are curious and fantasise about either a lesbian relationship or lesbian sex. For the former, a lot is involved and you can’t approach it as you would a relationship with a man. It’s just so different.

The extra communication and the sudden actual equality might be a jolt to begin with but it is so worthwhile. The added understanding that comes from an emotional bond and connection with a woman is something that a man just cannot replicate. I am very lucky to have found lesbian happiness with my special lady.

If you have any questions or comments about lesbian relationships or (aha) lesbian sex, please leave me a comment below.

For many decades in the past, society viewed sex toys for either men or women as almost entirely taboo. Vibrators for women were the cause of both giggles and derisive scorn, while men who required or desired the use of sex toys would be regarded as somewhat lacking in masculinity.

The only places where you could purchase a women’s sex toy would be by daring to enter a dingy back alley private shop, where hardcore porn DVDs wallpapered the walls and your choice of vibrator was limited to veiny, very veiny or monstrously veiny, the fake plastic penises screaming a silent accusation that you definitely don’t have enough ‘real man’ in your life.

Meanwhile, men who were with women who wanted to use a sex toy or one of these replacement penis vibrators were sadly encouraged to feel dismissed, replaced or somehow less than a man.

Thankfully, that has now changed as sex education opens the eyes and minds of society as a whole and we welcome sex toys into our solo and shared sex lives with both confidence and an on-going curiosity.

With Sex & the City paving the way for the Jessica Rabbit to become one of the best selling women’s sex toys of all time, as well as nationwide home sex toy parties from a certain high street chain, women are now doing it for themselves with stylish sex toys and bedroom companions that enhance sexual pleasure without attempting to replace the human touch.

As society as a whole embraced the fact that more women were coming out of their sexual shells, demanding a better sex life and orgasms whenever they so wished, so more companies, brands and manufacturers had to step up to the plate and provide better sex toys for women. The majority of women do not climax through vaginal penetration alone, so anatomical enlightenment was required in order to design and style sex toys that women would both want to purchase and then be efficient in their intended use.

Women continued to demand more power, greater versatility, complete discretion, low prices and enviable style in their sex toys and vibrators. There is now even a sex toys ‘elite’ with high end, designer and luxury brands such as LELO, Jimmyjane, We-Vibe and Je Joue amongst others.

Thousands of discerning women with a newfound appetite for only the most toe-curling of orgasms are now disregarding the faceless and shame-inducing patronisation of the back street sex toy solicitations, with their sole choice of either a fake penis or a phthalates laden jelly rabbit.

Instead, topping sex toy wishlists worldwide are stylish rechargeable sex toys, waterproof vibrators and medical grade silicone beauties with your choice of vaginal penetration, clitoral stimulation, G-spot location and pleasure as well as all of the above and more.

Partners have not been left out in the cold during this evolution of women’s sex toys either. Yes, masturbation is now widely accepted as a healthy part of adult life but sex toys have not had the intent of being a replacement to a sex life either. Rather, they complement a strong and healthy libido.

Women’s vibrators and couples sex toys can help men and women discover new ways to play together by selecting a sex toy to spice up foreplay or even purchasing a wearable sex toy to enhance sexual intercourse, such as the LELO Tor 2 cock ring or the We-Vibe 3 couples rechargeable vibrator.

The steady and irrefutable increase in the popularity of sex toys amongst women and couples is thanks to changes in society from media impact as well as manufacturers then meeting women’s needs after women speak out through private feedback or customer sex toy reviews. It is also thanks to sex toy shops such as ohtique.com who personally handpick and  select only the finest, most efficient sex toys to showcase for their customers.

ohtique know that their discerning and largely female clientele will not be satisfied with any less than the best in terms of women’s sex toys and other bedroom accessories. You can find low priced sex toys, luxury vibrators and various kinky and bondage restraints to enhance couples pleasure and achieve a better sex life here at ohtique.

ohtique offer women a shopping experience different to the wealth of other sex toy shopping websites out there, by providing a smaller, carefully selected range of sex toys which will appeal to the modern woman on the go.

Prices start at just £1.50, your sex toys will be professionally and discreetly wrapped and all orders over £30 to the UK receive free postage too.

So what are you waiting for? It’s time to take advantage of the wealth of stylish and powerful women’s sex toys that are now available and add the best to your collection with the help of ohtique, the erotic boutique for modern women.

1) Did you ever find someone else’s stash of sex toys, lubes, etc?

Well yes – partners. But then that wasn’t a shock as we all worked at a sex toy company so there were boxes full of the things everywhere.

2) Did you ever search someone else’s computer to determine their porn habits? Were you ever the object of such a search?

No, I wouldn’t know where to start. I also find out if someone is ‘into’ porn before I get with them. I couldn’t be with someone who needed or desired to watch vanilla porn. We just wouldn’t be compatible.

3) Did you ever investigate to see if two people were getting it on?

No, people around me are pretty honest. Even when people thought they were being discreet at work it was very apparent to everyone else what was going on.

4) Did you ever look for naughty pictures on someone else’s phone?

No, I usually end up having my naughty pictures/videos all over their phone

5) Were you ever involved with an investigation (formal or informal) into whether someone was cheating on his/her lover?

Nope! I don’t have time to get involved in other people’s relationships, I have enough of my own!

Bonus: Do you have a secret online identity so that you can find a secret lover?

No. All of my online identities are known about to someone or other and I definitely don’t have time for secret lovers. I’m proud of my lovers – why would I want to keep them a secret?

“I know it’s a bit different … I know there’s a giggle factor, but it works,” says David Ley. “It relaxes tension in the larynx … it improves range and projection.”

Although David Ley (appropriate surname, hur-hur) doesn’t claim to be a doctor or voice therapist, he has been pleasantly surprised by the effects that a vibrator can have on the throat, larynx and voice.

He does follow his findings up with a bit of self preservation:

“My first advice for a person (with voice or throat issues) would be to go to a doctor,” he says. “What I’m trying to do is to help the person hit that high note or harness their emotional energy.”

Last Autumn David Ley coached actors at the Stratford Festival with not only the usual (and comparatively boring) vocal exercises and voice coaching, but also bringing out a small purple ‘marital aid’ aka vibrator.

Amazingly when he stated he wanted to use it on the actors, he kept a straight face. Even more amazingly, David Ley is so highly regarded in his field that he was trusted – and with proven results, so it would seem.

Now actors and performers are buying sex toys with a view to use vibrators on their vibrato as opposed to the usual places. Sara Farb a Toronto actor, bought a vibrator online just moments after being shown the incredible demonstration by David Ley. She swears by the spectacular results.

“It was almost immediate,” she says. “I couldn’t believe it.”

Last Autumn she starred in a rock-and-roll musical which took its toll on her voice.

“The temperature was dropping and I had a cat I may have been allergic to,” she says. “I was definitely having voice issues.”

She heard about David Ley’s work and research, booked an appointment and is happy with the results.

His findings conclude that this science, that massage releases tension has always been around, but that many people are just too uncomfortable with the prospect of having someone else or a therapist massage their throats. He tried various massage tools and machines before his last ditch effort in a local sex shop.

“I was in the middle of the store testing it on the throat of a friend,” he says with a laugh. “The girl behind the counter was intrigued but she listened to every word I had to say about voice and coaching. I’m sure she’s heard it all.”

The particular vibrator David Ley uses doesn’t look like the standard classic or traditional vibrator.  It’s the size of a computer mouse and has a frequency between 100 and 120, which is close to the range of the human voice.

Ley states that although the use of a small vibrator to ease larynx tension seems quite obvious, he can’t find this practice anywhere in his research.

So here’s a thought next time you’re planning on some karaoke or just a singing session in front of MTV – whip out that vibrator on your special area (your throat! ahem) and enjoy a larger vocal range and stun everyone with your powerful singing voice.

Original post found here at Metro news

Are you going to give it a try? Please comment below with your thoughts.

His main obsession is with bondage hoods, total sensory deprivation as well as rubber or leather sleep sacks. Those all enclosing black sacks with the addition of metal D rings or O-rings to attach rope to, for a delicious extra tightness threading the rope through or for suspension options.

We plan to meet in June. He lives way down the other end of the UK in Devon, which is a shame. He will travel up to see me, of course. Take me for a coffee, maybe some lunch. I will save the cocktails that he will be buying for me for the second of third visit. Clear head for Mistress, to see whether he is a worthy investment of my time training him to become everything I’d want. Everything that he could hope to become to please me and be moulded to my desires.

He is over 40 and still a virgin. In the mainstream world, being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of, of course. Having sex does not make or break a person – in character anyway. It can break them emotionally if they need it so much that it affects their life. From a FemDom perspective, it is everything he should be ashamed about. It is used at every opportunity to embarrass him, humiliate him, subjugate him to evil laughter and make him an object of complete and utter derision for him being a useless failure in life. No woman will ever want him. He will never have a girlfriend, all he can hope for is to be of some use to a Mistress.

I have a picture of him but it doesn’t matter what he looks like. I have no interest in his appearance and to be honest, when we have sessions together it’s not like I am going to see that much of him when he’s locked in a bondage sleep sack and sensory deprivation hood. I don’t even care what his name is, he is merely gimp.

I have removed his orgasm from him; that is to say he is not allowed to touch himself for sexual pleasure without begging for permission which will of course be denied. In time he will be conditioned that his orgasm is wrong and he will empty his disgusting male area by way of prostate massage and milking. Which he can do. I have no desire to go up there on him thank you very much.

The idea of sexual contact with a submissive male actually repulses me.

The long term slave I have at the moment is more for sissification, domestic chores, maid training, chastity, cuckoldry. It will be a nice change to have the option of a slave who is entirely encased and just an object to use.

I quite fancy having a bound, hooded slave as a table/footstool. For my friends and lovers and I to be enjoying an adult evening, waited on my the maid and for him to be on all fours, uncomfortable in a hot latex body suit, ankles cuffed together, spreader bar between wrists. Total sensory deprivation hood in place, with sight removed by the blindfold attachment and the stubby penis gag locked into his mouth.

A posture collar beneath the hood to keep his head upright, no slacking allowed.

He’ll be there for hours, no food or drink, no toilet breaks nothing. Just suffering. Being able to just about hear the comments, the laughter. Talking about him like he’s not there and of course he won’t be, he will just be furniture, lower even than the household pets.

He will never have a girlfriend, no girl will ever want him, be able to respect a mere rubber gimp. He’s lucky I even consider using him to put my boots on top of as I’m relaxing.

Our flesh will never meet, there will always be the barrier of leather between. His lips to my boots, his lips to my leather gloved hand. We will never touch. The thought of his male slave skin touching mine disgusts me.

Which of course, is everything he wants and more. Yes, he’s very lucky.

Read my other Fetish Friday posts here.

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Non-sex toy reviews: Ethernet cable

I fucking love nerds. Computer nerds in particular. With their quick fingers tapping away and making incomprehensible code appear in a black box on screen and their knowledge of things I could only dream of understanding. To my mind, the only thing better than a nerd is a nerd sitting naked from the waist down playing idly with his dick while he runs a test suite.

I also love fucking nerds. Which means that, when one of my favourite, nerdiest guys mentioned casually in a text message that if I didn’t behave he’d have to restrain me with CAT-5 cable, I was so aroused I nearly slid off my chair.

CAT-5 cable has three primary purposes:

1. to make internet go from one place to another
2. to tie up dirty girls who have misbehaved
3. to whip dirty girls who have misbehaved

I know little about the first, but I’ll walk you through the second two.

Tying someone with cable is filthy hot, in a way that tying someone with anything is. But the added bonus with cable is that it’s something you wouldn’t normally use – the unusual nature makes it sexier, because it’s usually done on a whim. In this case, it happened in my bedroom, where I like to keep a selection of wires and assorted paraphenalia strewn around the floor just in case someone takes it upon themselves to use it as a fuck toy.

Plastic cable hurts – it’s tight and it sticks to your skin. When you’re tied, you feel restrained in a more solid way than you do with rope, because you can’t shift your position against the bonds very well – plastic rubs at your wrists and ankles and feels tighter the more you move. Being held down and fucked while the skin on my wrists is screaming in agony is a delicious sensation.

Is there anything more delicious? Well yes, there is.

I don’t like being whipped – the thin, stinging sensation of the cane is too intense for me, and I prefer the hefty thud of a flogger. I like floggers and belts partly because of the deep ‘thwack’ sound they make, and partly because, with a flogger at any rate, a guy who is beating me can really put his back into it. Delicate taps with the cane will have me wailing for the punishment to stop, but with a thick implement I can relax into it, enjoying each sturdy whack like it’s a thrust from the guy’s cock.

CAT-5 cable (or, indeed, any internet-transmitting wire) can either whip or thwack, depending on how you hold it. The beauty of the cable is that you can coil it around and around your hand, creating a punishment tool exactly as thick as you like – adding or removing coils to create just the right sensation of pain. And for me it just so happens that if you coil it so you have a curve of about 7 or 8 wires thick, it hits just the right sweet spot.

Thwack.

As a toy with which to beat someone, I can barely fault it. Just be a bit careful that you don’t catch your partner with one of the plastic plugs on the end. Marks will be deducted from it as a tying implement, though. This is for boring health and safety reasons: if you need to get out of it in a hurry, only seriously strong scissors or a pair of wire cutters will do.

4/5

Firstly, ‘eyemask’? Really? It is not an eye mask, you’re not wearing it to get some decent shut-eye at bedtime. If it is arriving in a box with a ring gag, vibrating strap on or door restraints then in all likelihood its main purpose is to be a blindfold – that is to remove the willing ‘victim’ (aka slave / submissive / bottom / lover) of their ability to see, thereby heightening all other senses.

Removing someone’s sight does indeed heighten the anticip… ation of promised sensual delights, touch, stimulation, heated wax or special effect oils and lubes blown upon on the skin. Perhaps the use of a Wartenburg Wheel or a firm slap with a spanker. However – this ‘eyemask’? Nope.

Firstly when it falls out of the box, the added freebie, the bonus feature of your Pipedream product, it is disappointingly slim. As in, if it were a mobile phone then an entire Apple conference would orgasm simultaneously upon spying it, it’s that thin. It’s folded double in a sealed polythene packet and looks like a plastic covered black rectangle. Nothing special, nothing amazing, no wows.

Rip open the plastic sealing the blindfold… sorry, eyemask, within. Take note: you must rip the plastic open, I made the mistake once of using scissors and accidentally cut through the blindfold. That’s how fragile this thing is.

Tip out the blindfold. Yes, it’s meant to be a blindfold, no denying it. It’s still folded in half. It’s like a black piece of paper with a string attached. Open it out. Yep – a blindfold barely shaped, flat as anything, with a thin piece of elastic attached. The elastic is thinner than we girls used to use at school to put round our ankles and hop in, out and between.

It does not stay on someone’s head, it slips around over hair, it lets light in and it can rip at any time. There is no way this has the right to call itself a blindfold – or eyemask- that can be used in any Fetish, BDSM or kink session situation.

In summary it’s a complete waste of elastic that could be used in someone’s knickers. Sew the rest of the material together and make goth curtains with them or something – oops no, it would let in too much sunlight.

In any case – rant over.

I don’t like them.

After 25 years of providing luxury fetish and bondage wear to customers across the world, dressing celebrities such as Rhianna and Beyoncé, and even kitting out Hollywood film sets… we’ve now turned our mischievous creative minds to enhancing our range of sex toys… yes that’s right – we bring you HONOUR Play…

Vibrators disguised as ducks, inflatable sex couches, 50 Shades sex toys and wands powerful enough for Hogwarts… we’re on a quest to spread the O-Factor across Great Britain.

With dildos ranging from 5-18 inches, vibrators that twizzle, bump and grind in various speeds and couples toys aimed to bring a fun and relaxed intimacy to ‘conventional’ sex, HONOUR embraces a new and innovative approach to the adult retail market which is going from strength to strength.

To celebrate the launch we’re offering 20% OFF all HONOUR Play sex toys including vibrators, dildos, cuffs, jiggle balls and much, much more! 

Plus, for the opening month one lucky customer will WIN a year’s supply of sex toys (and quite possibly the inability to walk!) in the HONOUR Play Competition… now that’s a lot of sex toys!

Director Mandy Taylor reveals why HONOUR have decided to introduce Play to what is already a highly successful brand in the bondage and fetish/alternative fashion industry:

“In the last few years we have seen a massive increase in demand for a more diverse range of sex toys from our customers – with sales up 70% already in 2013. People no longer just want a ‘one-size fits most’ dildo or one-speed vibrator…they want more and that’s exactly what we’ve aimed to offer with Honour Play.”

Over the last few months we’ve been working with four of the UK’s biggest Sex Toy Review sites Cara Sutra, Lucy Felthouse, Dirty Little Whispers and Boobaloo to test their latest range and ensure their new toys were up to the challenge of bringing the O-Factor to the general public… here’s what Cara Sutra had to say:

“I am thrilled about the new sex toy shopping arena from Honour, Honour Play. It is sure to delight customers both old and new with a stunning range of sensational bedtime companions. I especially love Honour’s own UltraTouch range, with sex toys combining powerful vibrating stimulation with top quality, body safe and superbly smooth silicone material.”

The 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon last year has seen a huge change in sex attitudes with men, women and couples emptying their bedside draws of moisturiser and old bookmarks to make way for rampant rabbits, cock rings and spankers. This trend looks to continue and with over 1500 naughty products on offer to spice up boudoir activity the future of the UK sex toy market certainly looks a bright one!

Originally posted at: http://blogs.honour.co.uk/2013/04/its-play-time-honour-launch-new-sex-toy-section/

As inspired by my fiancée, DigitalHarlot

The cathedral was awe-inspiring. We’d held back from the tourist party that day, had only tagged along with the crowd to enter surreptitiously. Confession booths were such convenient places for two girls to snuggle down and await darkness outside to match that within the ancient, religious building.

By the time dusk came and the sunlight faded through the stained glass, arched windows, I was twisting the delicate silver cross around my neck with frustrated impatience. Surely everyone must have left for the day now, the caretaking Father and his helpers plus any day visitors to the famous cathedral. She smiled at me in the rapidly fading light.

“Soon, my darling. It will be playtime soon.”

I tingled afresh from throat to crotch and I felt my white cotton good girl knickers dampening all the way through at the central apex of my thighs, where it stretched tight across suddenly flushed labia and a hardening clit.

I’d wanted to be a naughty girl for such a long time and surely this was the naughtiest thing ever. At 16 I hadn’t done as much as many of the more worldly girls out there, but since meeting Ellie at Sunday school she’d brought me somewhat up to speed. She had been placed there to help ‘mend her ways’. ‘They’ thought she needed help to change. She thought she needed something else.

The things she’d told me about had almost melted my cross pendant into my flesh, with sizzling wanton desire. So sinful. But so good. She was older than me by a few years, had been with other girls.

She’d told me she loved the innocence of my lips, when she had first kissed me, a couple of weeks ago. She told me she was wondering if my other places tasted as innocent. She said she wanted to be the one to corrupt me. I’d shivered and stood rooted to the spot, turning from my usual pale to blood red with her words. She had a way of making everything sound so… dirty. But I wanted it all, and she knew it too.

My thoughts were brought abruptly back to the now with her fingers curling around mine, which were tight around my cross. Holding my hand in hers, she moved them both upwards to tilt my chin upwards, so I had no choice but to look at her. She leaned over and kissed me, remaining slightly too long on my lower lip and sucking it, hard. A squeak escaped my throat, and she giggled.

“Time to play, my darling. I hope you’re ready.”

I nodded, trying to appear confident, while my insides shook with nerves. We clambered up from where we were huddled together in a girly mass on the cold floor, one warm spot the sign of sin that had sat there for the afternoon.

Pulling me up with her, we opened the booth into the low lit, massive space filled with wooden pews, tall candles – a couple of which were lit – and down the far end, the altar with an enormous cross and our Saviour behind, looking down on proceedings with His expression perfectly combining mercy and sorrow for humanity. I wondered at what He would think soon. At what His eyes would soon catch sight of.

We removed our coats and laid them over one of the pews at the back of the cathedral, before making our way down the side towards the front. She led me with a firm tug of the hand, her hand in mine, making sure I didn’t follow my steadily increasing second thoughts and dash back to the comparative safety of the confession booth.

She was dressed all in black. Tight black trousers perfectly showing off her hourglass silhouette, deep V front black sweater proudly boasting developed breasts unlike my tiny peaks. I’d dressed like she’d told me to; my soft cup training bra under a freshly ironed white shirt, tucked into my short pleated plaid skirt, over the knee white socks teamed with shined, flat black Mary Janes.

Without the safety of the long black woollen coat, I felt so exposed. My thighs were showing, in a church of all places! I was so definitely going to hell. At least I’d be going in style. I shocked myself with the rebellious inner voice that piped up. She was such a bad influence. I was hooked.

We reached the altar and she grasped me by the shoulders, turning me and pushing me backwards until I could feel the cool stone against my calves and back. She didn’t even have to say anything. I somehow knew what she wanted and I was glad she didn’t say anything beyond that look, it made it somehow ok, it meant this could all be a dream. It wasn’t my fault. She was doing it to me. It wasn’t my fault. I kept repeating it like a mantra in my head, a new hail Mary for this wanton Catholic schoolgirl that was falling from grace without so much as a look heavenwards.

The mantra was overlaid with another, seeping in from the vaults of my mind; take me, take me, take me…

Grabbing the backs of my thighs, she leaned in to crash her lips against mine and kissed me violently. I squeezed my eyes closed, grateful for the sudden darkness behind my eyelids, removing the sight of Mary behind, cradling her boy child and disgusted at my behaviour. She smiled against my lips, like she knew what I was doing. She was enjoying it; enjoying corrupting this innocent girl. I was enjoying it too. The late night fantasies all coming to life. I’d been fighting against it for so long. How can something that feels this good be wrong? It didn’t make sense.

Her cool hands moved up the backs of my thighs, against my hot yet goosepimpled flesh to hitch me up on the altar. I looked up and He looked down on me. I would surely soon need His sacrifice, His forgiveness.

She took a moment to look me up and down, admiring her prey.

“Very nice, my darling. I approve. You did well.”

“Thank you…” I squeaked, before she shocked me again with her fingers to my cross pendant, tracing the T outline, pressing it into my flesh.

She let her finger trace slowly downwards, unbuttoning my top button and slipping her fingers inside the shirt folds to feel the edge of the soft white bra underneath. She let out a sound half delight, half need – all passion.

I had my hands clasped to my sides… not daring to move in case this was real. She unbuttoned the shirt front slowly, one by one, then once all undone, slipping the two sides apart to expose my tummy and embarrassingly flat bra and chest.

Her fingers took their time travelling up around my navel and teased by feeling under the bottom hem of the soft bra, sliding from side to side, before her hands moved gently over the surface just skimming my nipples with the cotton barrier between. If they weren’t stood to attention before, they were diamond hard, rose coloured pellets now.

She moved away from my small breasts and turned her attention to the edge of my pleated skirt, beneath which my thighs pressed together fearfully, nervous of her intentions and nervous I would cause a small puddle to form beneath me on the altar if I relaxed for even a second.

She wasn’t having any of it. Lifting the hem by a couple of centimetres exposed even more of my down covered, soft, cream coloured thighs, which she then proceeded to loosen from each other by way of one finger stroking up through the centre and finishing with a firm finger tip on the moist white cotton found at the top. She grinned.

“You’re nothing but a horny little slut, aren’t you. You want this as much as I do. Say it. Say how much you want it!”

“I… I do. Want it I mean. I’m just scared. I do want you, though.”

“Shh… baby. It’s fine. Nothing to be scared about. I won’t hurt you. Unless you want that too.”

She smiled wickedly again, her white teeth flashing at me in the candlelit, silent space. She put me in mind of a big cat surveying her next meal. Her finger had moved away from my damp knickers. I missed it already. What was I turning into? What was she turning me into?

Pulling my legs apart, her face moved to my thighs, softly placing her cheek against my inner thigh and inhaling my scent. I knew she could smell my need for her; I could, from where I was. I flushed with shame.

Her deft and experienced fingers moved upwards to creep underneath the sides of the front of my white knickers, teasing the front of my most intimate area and letting her discover the soft hair there. The padded flesh seemed to rise to her touch; then I realised it was my hips lifting from the altar surface to try and draw out her contact with my skin. I couldn’t help it. She was taking her time and my body wanted it all now.

Rounded fingernails drew themselves down the thinnest part of my skin, where my thighs meet my pussy. Still underneath my knickers, which were still in place, she drew her finger around to slide up the by now, slippery slit and withdrew a glistening finger. She sucked off the juices and smiled again.

“You taste so good. Fresh, young and sweet.”

I couldn’t say anything in response, but she didn’t need me to. Her fingers hooked round both sides of my knickers and pulled them downwards, underneath my bottom and down over my thighs, down to my ankles and pulling them off with a flourish. She let them drop to the floor.

My thighs were trying to meet again, so stop the religious air being tainted by meeting my 16 year old virgin pussy directly. It was to no avail, she stopped me with a firm hand on the inside of each thigh.

I still had my shoes and long socks on. I lay there, shirt unbuttoned and white bra out to the air, silver cross flashing in the flickering candle light with Jesus looking down on me in despair, as she took her fingers, moved my lips apart and French kissed me. Down there. Her tongue… felt like nothing else. My fingers in the dark of night with unspoken fantasies didn’t even come close to this.

As quickly as she lapped up my juices, direct from the source, more came flooding afresh. One finger slipped up inside my tight entrance, while she gently sucked on my hard, pulsing clitoris. Her finger curled inside and worlds shattered inside my head. Nothing mattered anymore, time didn’t even exist. It didn’t matter where I was, I needed this. I needed it all, and now.

Another finger slipped in, both fingers curled in a beckoning gesture and cycling one then the other, together in that slippery, tight fleshy chamber. Tongue tip circling my clit now, while her other hand had travelled up to seek out a nipple above, my nipple still covered by the thin white bra material, which I was soon cursing. She didn’t go underneath though. Just moved from gentle rubs to eventually finding the small, rock hard nipple and pinching it between two fingers as I clasped both hands against my mouth to stop the noises in my head from making it out to the world.

Three fingers and she was fucking me. Fingers and tongue, tongue lashing swirls against my clit and expertly catching the juices that escaped around my battered lips. Soothing their violent penetration with tongue in flat strokes around her fingers inside me, then up again to suck hard on my clit and back down, underneath, teasing and fucking and licking and sucking, while my nipples were ravaged one at a time and I almost burst from the screams being kept within my chest.

I saw the light. Quite a few times over the course of the night. I found a new Saviour in her and she took me under her wing and showed me another way.

It was only when finally we scurried home in the light of early morning, back to our own beds, that I remembered my soiled knickers still on the floor beside the altar.

I knew I would be seeing the inside of that confession booth again very soon.

Durex claim that these pleasure pants allow ‘touch to be transferred over the internet’. They have certainly made a tantalising video which is sure to grab everyone’s attention (see below). Remote control sex toys are already hugely popular, with the saucy option of sending pulses and vibration to someone else’s nether regions without touching them giving thrills to many with the mere thought.

Fundawear consists of a set of boxers for him and a bra and pants set for her. They have vibrating sensors which respond to a partner’s touch on a smartphone app. Very clever.

This idea has come out of the Durex Australia office and it will be a while yet before you can buy some for yourself. Take a look at the video below and see what you think.

Good idea, bad idea?? I want to know what you think!  Please leave a comment below.

A little bit of ‘me time’ to start the day off right.

It was a couple of weeks ago now and I have been very remiss in not blogging until today about the fantastic birthday weekend for my girl, Digital Harlot.

I worked harder than ever all week so I could have my tasks done by Thursday evening, in order to take Friday and the rest of the weekend off. Friday dawned and we set off for our first port of call for the weekend, Nottingham, for some serious shopping.

I love trains. I grew up on the island of Jersey where they don’t have trains so it’s still a novelty to me. One day I’d love to do the whole afternoon tea on the Orient Express thing… but that’s very much a dream and a far cry from a paper cup coffee on British Rail!

Harlot is more experienced with the ways of the railway, so she sorted our tickets then we bought coffees and awaited our train. In no time at all we were huffing and puffing our way out of the station and on our way to Nottingham. That’s us, not the train. The train was quite quiet, actually.

I hadn’t been to Nottingham before and once we alighted from the train I wandered around in a daze. Literally, as I’d been in the writer’s dungeon for so long. Sunlight. That stuff’s bright, you know? We quickly ducked into Claire’s Accessories and bought a handful of sparklies purely in order to acclimatise ourselves.

After wandering through the bustling city and laughing at the soapbox preacher (they still exist!), we decided it was time for lunch. Yo Sushi! (!!1!!1!!! ELEVEN!1!) was the plan. They don’t seem to have many in the UK so it’s something of a treat. Hopefully it would go better than the last Yo Sushi! we tried together in Cambridge, where Harlot ended up in an ambulance. Completely unrelated to the food, I hasten to add.

ANYWAY we sought Yo Sushi! to rest our weary shopping souls. We sought, and sought. We looked on our apps and maps and turned in literal circles. Map reading, it’s not for girls apparently. After a lovely scenic route around a few streets we finally ended up walking in the right direction and voilá! Yo Sushi! was found. Achievement unlocked.

No booths available AS PER USUAL but we didn’t care. We sat on the tall stools by the generation game style sushi carousel (no cuddly toys *sniffs*), stuffed our handfuls of shopping bags by our feet and ordered our large chilled vinos like what good city shopping girls do on a Friday lunchtime.

We then proceeded to chat and flick through the menu, finding the most appetising dishes and placing them as orders with the young man (oooh, young man!) walking around. Can’t quite remember what we had now but damn they were good. During lunch we also plucked quite a few dishes from the carousel too, which is always fun, especially if you have an inkling that people further down wanted that dish. Doh. Haha.

What was our next stop? Makeup and party dress shopping, for the next day – a planned Saturday night out on the tiles. Would you believe it, there was a MAC shop around the corner, only Harlot’s favouritest make up brand ever. After getting directions from the till boy (we didn’t fancy the scenic route this time) we paid and made our way, happily with the warming addition of wine inside, to beauty central.

We stepped inside the door of the rather small MAC shop, with me hushing away Harlot’s warnings that it’s “quite expensive” and that she can “just look” and “doesn’t need anything anyway.” ~rolls eyes~ It’s my lady’s birthday weekend, I’d worked every day in March and I was damn well going to spoil her. She’d just have to shut up and take it, if I had to bury her up to the neck in make-up brushes and forcefully apply mascara and cruelly whip out her favourite shade of lipstick. I’m just that much of a bitch.

Quickly scanning the make-up palettes and vast quantities of eye shadows, gloss and powder, we shot down an assistant (ok, politely gestured at) and asked for some help. The vivacious blonde was bubbly and eager to help, even in the midst of the what was rapidly becoming an overcrowded shop.

Bustling us over to a ‘make over corner’ complete with comfy stool, lit mirror, tissues and wipes, she chatted with Harlot about past favourites, beauty regime and the like then got to work applying the contents of her fanny pack to Harlot’s face.

(I obviously mean using the brushes and equipment in her make-up tool belt to softly blend foundation and eye shadow to Harlot. Stop making up your own jokes.)

Not sure if it was my imagination but once complete, the girl seemed to think we would just um and ah and leave without buying anything. Perhaps they get a lot of people coming in seeming to want to purchase, but in fact just after a free makeover for a Friday night out. In any case, when she asked which bits we’d like from the array she’d used and had laid out in front of her, and I replied “we’ll take the lot”, the look on her face – priceless. I wish I had a picture.

Seeing Harlot happy with her new make up on, and seeing her natural beauty complemented and exaggerated by the makeup only served to heighten my firm “yes” in response to her nervous “are you sure?!” MAC makeup is top quality and I knew she’d treasure it and keep it safe, they’d be prized possessions.

We were soon on our way out of the MAC shop with new foundation, powder, eye pencil, cream base, blusher, eye shadow palette and lots more, with Harlot proudly bearing her swanky MAC bag. Now the search was on for the perfect party dress.

She doesn’t really do ordinary style or current fashion. Let’s face it, it’s all pretty boring. What’s with the peach lace edged curtains they try to pass off as blouses in Primark? Anyway we headed straight to the alternative stores in the goth quarter of Notts, mostly centring in Void which has all kinds of well known alternative brands such as Hell Bunny, Phaze, Nitelife and Demonia shoes, patterned stockings and steampunk/Lolita/Victoriana accessories.

After much to-ing and fro-ing with other shops, Harlot finally was torn between just two dresses. I advised her to get both. Let’s face it, whichever one was left behind would be the one regretted! I had my heart stolen by a pinstripe number, so I bought that too. We also bought most of their stock of fishnet tights and a few other accessories. I could spend a lot of money in that shop!

We spent some time also shopping through Ann Summers (ok, laughing at the prices), buying new sexy lingerie, some Hotel Chocolat as luxurious hangover tackle (planning ahead to Sunday) and a shed load of bargains from Primark. No peach blouses though.

Harlot also took me to one of her old haunts (heh) the Pit and the Pendulum, a gorgeous, dark, goth style bar with so much to look at I had to take a billion photos. Of course. They sell cocktails based on the ’7 Deadly Sins’ – Harlot had Pride and I had Lust. Love that bar, so atmospheric, I bet it’s heaving at the weekends.

Orly?!

Hurray – post shopping cocktails

We were by this point, shattered and a little bit tipsy (understatement). But what was that we saw on yonder side of the road? A Loch Fyne! Only my favouritest restaurant – and Harlot loves it too. Perfect for a shared romantic dinner before the train home.

We demanded chilled wines to peruse the menu with from a bemused waitress, who then left us to our titters over the choice of type for the Sex ooops sorry SET Menu. We always seem to gain an audience when we’re eating out, I think this is due to our habit of talking about inappropriate topics such as forced funneling, sploshing and anal gaping. Hey, it’s fun. The talking, too.

Apparently this reads ‘Set Menu’

Eventually we settled upon a starter and Harlot had oysters for the first time. They’re quite weird, I must admit. The first time you have them it’s just like getting a seaweedy mouthful of seawater, but there’s something addictive about them. I think it’s the fact you have to pick up the refreshingly cool, tactile shell with your fingers and tip it up and into your open mouth, taking care not to spill the scented liquid everywhere. The soft, squishy material that you bite once and which slides down your throat. There’s just something erotic about it. In any case, we’re definitely having them again. The rest of the plateau fruits de mer was gorgeous too, from the langoustines to the strange, beetle type crustaceans with barely anything in. Delicious though.

For mains: I had dressed crab and salad while Harlot had scallops and black pudding. Beautiful and sophisticated. We ended the meal with a Martini Rosso and lemonade each while waiting for our taxi to take us to the station for our train home.

Rushing out after paying, we fell into the cab and chattered probably incessantly and loudly all the way. At the station the train was delayed so we spend some tipsy time cuddling together much to the amusement/disgust (depending on who you looked at) of the other waiting passengers, clutching our ‘oops we better sober up before we get home’ coffees and shivering in the cool evening air.

The train home was eventful. It started off very relaxing and I finally shut up to let Harlot doze off to sleep. Then a group of 14 year old lads (ok, probably 18-21 but they all seem so young now, don’t they) got on the train, already half cut at 8pm (shocking behaviour!) and swigging straight vodka from the bottle. They took up residence right behind us! Nightmare. The train home seemed to then take forever. I luckily managed to stop Harlot from punching them all. Just.

Got picked up from the station and made our way home, collected by minnie, for a night of well deserved, post-shopping slumber before the next stop in the birthday weekend excitement, the Saturday night on the tiles. That write up is coming soon!

Even our shopping bags got into the right spirit!