It’s come to my attention recently that certain folks are against people having their fantasies and acting them out, consensually, with their adult partner(s). Rape fantasy, to be specific. Now, I’ve taken this a little bit personally, as rape fantasy is a very important part of my sex life – a very enjoyable part of my fantasy and real life.
Perhaps you think rape fantasy is all very well for those who haven’t gone through the horrors of rape. That women who hold rape fantasy dear to them somehow have a rose tinted view of what it involves. Well no, actually. I’m a multiple rape survivor and while it’s still difficult to admit that, I am simply not allowing those less-than-human-beings any more power over me or my life by silencing me after the event.
This adamant refusal to let the events and the perpetrators have any further power over me, mentally or physically, ties in very much to why rape fantasy is such an enjoyable roleplay and sexual fetish of mine. Rape fantasy and rapeplay isn’t a choice for me, it’s a need. My own research into the matter has shown me that those who have suffered real rape have a higher likelihood of wanting to or needing to incorporate rapeplay into their sex life with a trusted partner.
Now we are told that rapeplay has no part in the sexual consciousness or bedrooms of consenting adults and the proof of this is that any form of rape fetish is being stripped from porn. Even though consensual non-consent as a fetish is widely practiced and safely enjoyed by probably millions across the globe (I haven’t asked everyone personally), the very idea that someone could enjoy the roleplay of non-consent strikes terror into the heart of many a vanilla who doesn’t understand BDSM or YKINMK.
There are many styles of sex play, roleplay, fetishes and porn which incites a feeling of revulsion in the pit of my stomach. Mainstream porn quite often makes me feel nauseous. Yet I only have to travel down the road to see images not so far removed from porn displayed on large billboard in the centre of town where all can see, including kids. Is this right? I only have to type something innocent into Google Image search to non-consensually be forced to view a variety of sex acts that aren’t MY idea of lovely enjoyable sex. Yet because the majority see these as normal, they’re allowed.
Well MY idea of normal enjoyable sex for ME includes rapeplay and I love the idea, the reality, the representation of this misunderstood kink in whatever form and so on. My partner loves including this in our sex and I only have enthusiastic encouragement to continue, full consent, as much over the top beyond consent as you could wish. To be pinned down and told he’s going to fuck me anyway whatever I think, for me to struggle under his weight and within his tight grip, to tell him “no, please, no” and for him to respond that he’s going to take me and doesn’t care, to have the freedom to say no, with a safeword in place to let him know if I was in any physical, emotional, psychological discomfort, the comfort of knowing he would then stop in an instant, and the power to include rapeplay in my sex life despite my past, that’s incredibly valuable to me.
This is not a choice, it’s a need. In any case, I can’t help it. I have often tried to have lights off, safe-for-work, lick-and-kiss, gentle caressing vanilla sex and it lacks something for me. That something is enjoyment. I don’t enjoy vanilla sex. I need the passion, the biting, the growling, the slamming down into the bed or floor or against the wall, the name calling, the hair pulling, the fist around my throat, the mess, the rawness of nails digging into skin and scratching, the torrent of begging and need and filth that spills out of my mouth while he’s thrusting violently into me while I’m telling him not to, and the reassurance that he will fuck me regardless of however many times and different ways I tell him ‘no’ and ‘stop’. I feel safe, content and secure that he can tend to MY needs like this. I need to hear him overriding the words that come out of my mouth, while he directly accesses the need that is held within my mind. The two don’t have to match. The fact that they don’t is fucking HOT.
There are a lot of fetishes and kinks I don’t get. I see myself as part of the BDSM scene and incredibly kinky. I do not have a vanilla trace in my body. I don’t understand how people enjoy vanilla sex and vanilla peg-in-hole porn. Yet I don’t think that the visual representations of those activities should be removed or banned, simply because I find them disturbing or not to my taste. This is the root of YKINMK.
Then even worse, we find that some liken agreement of rapeplay porn to an acceptance of underage sex and paedophilia.
Right. Last question. You are all vehemently anti censoring peoples fantasies. So are you ok with fake child pornography/rape?
— Jameela Jamil (@jameelajamil) April 10, 2014
This is just so insulting I can’t even begin to find words to adequately sum up my emotions. Molly had a few choice words to say on the subject too on Twitter. I have children of my own and what happens between my partner and I in the privacy of our bedroom and sex life should not be so judged by others that we couldn’t, as part of our sexual enjoyment, find porn that reflects our (adult and consensual can I remind you) interests as part of that activity.
I also find it incredibly hypocritical that people are so quick to judge rapeplay and ageplay between two consenting ssc-aware adults with safewords in place, yet schoolgirl outfits for sexy roleplay are so accepted they’re seen on the streets on nights out and frequently referenced in modern popular culture and media.
For those who negatively ask 'so what age are you in Daddy/lg play…' What age are you when wearing a schoolgirl outfit on a hen night?
— Cara Sutra (@TheCaraSutra) April 10, 2014
Consider this, too. If you have ever looked laughingly or used in the context of your sex life either furry handcuffs or other light bondage sex toys, you’re already displaying traits of either consensual non-consent acceptance or enjoyment. Why put cuffs on if not for the purpose of ‘acting out’, or infact engaging in roleplay that one partner is bound ‘against their will’? Is bondage the gateway to rapeplay fantasy? Well it hasn’t stopped Fifty Shades of Grey being sold in Tesco and ASDA, has it.
BDSM is an integral part of sex and adult pleasure for millions of people wordwide. People for whom kink involves a lot more than shoving a silver pair of jiggle balls up her vagina or using a heart shaped spanking paddle to lightly pinken the skin in a Fifty Shades of Grey themed ‘love’ session. As I’ve said numerous times before and as I will say again, kink/control/power exchange isn’t just a want or desire, it’s a need for kinky people. These people, myself included, are adults, only have sex and sexual play with other adults, and indulge in consensual play. Even if that consensual play includes ACTING non-consent. There are safeguards in place to protect everyone involved, whether against physical or mental abuse or harm.
And finally: does furry fetish mean all those involved want to have sex with animals? Should we ban puppy play outfits?
— Cara Sutra (@TheCaraSutra) April 10, 2014
Porn made which is themed or relevant to rapeplay is made by consenting willing actors and of course non-consensual sex acts are illegal along with their representations. Rape and rapeplay are two very different things. Don’t take away my rapeplay porn and don’t take away my right to have sex and adult enjoyment in the way I want, I like, I need.
– Cara Sutra