I have had it with cheap, tacky, low quality, phthalates filled, easily ripped jelly, fraying end wired eggs and breakable plastic shell vibes that you get on special offer at the counter of a seedy private shop or flown in from China to distributor websites by the absolute crate load. Mostly, sadly enough, to newbies in the sex toy world, too innocent to know better, looking for a cheap deal, a literal quick buzz – only to be disappointed when the battery melts inside after one use, the wire comes out 3 seconds before an orgasm occurs or the jelly dildo tears in half after some gentle thrusting.
No. I want only the best.
Oh yes, you can be proud of your collection of 3, 865 sex toys, no doubt about it. Lay them all out for the world to see. How many do you use? I mean actually reach for when you’re in that moment. Personally, I’m not leaping out of my bed and unpacking the three suitcases, I have a handful (yes, literally) of toys that are my ‘go-to’s; reliable personal orgasm inducers.
So, which toys do I ‘go to’?
Bullets and glass. Sometimes, for a change, one of the couple of sturdy, silicone luxury vibrators that I use for penetration.
Bullets. I use either the RO-80mm, Pin Up Bullet (great texture) or the Sh! bullet which is teeny but wow, fast. I have a selection of bullets as a ‘grab bag’ by the bedside, as well as my handy lil bottles of Give Lube, ID Glide and Sh! lube.
Glass. I adore glass toys. It’s not just the no-bullshit, rigid, cold, smooth sensation they give, they need no batteries and i doesn’t matter if you forget to recharge them. They’re always ready. Easy to clean. Hard. With various textures nd shapes. Glass butt plugs are the best too, with steel a close second. Warms quickly to the body and you can use any lube. No more struggling to read that teeny writing by lamplight or candle light (or phone light, if you’re like me). Worying about whether you’re about to watch your silicone toy disintegrate into its very own version of Slimer. Just slather it on and get it up.
Luxury. I do happen to make sure that I have the LELO vibes (top tip: slip a condom over it, use it for anal, it’s amazing…) and Jimmyjane Form 2 (let’s face it, the best bit of a rabbit like you’ve always wanted) charged up and ready to reach for. If anyone wishes to challenge these luxury piece and replace the favourites, feel free.
No ‘only a fiver this week – special offer – less power than a fridge motor after 20 years – will cause your vagina to swell up and resemble the elephant man – destined to fall apart literally seconds before you’re turned on despite the fact you’ve been grinding it painfully into your clit for 25 minutes’ toys for me.
There you have it. I’m a simple girl really (no making up your own jokes), easy to please.
What are your ‘go-to’ toys? Any you wouldn’t even share the same house with never mind get intimate? Any that you’re now considering chucking out, finally, after they’ve been sat rotting in a case for the last year?